Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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