Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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