If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Barsexuality is the new black.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize