you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
