There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
