Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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