my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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