forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
