he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
