I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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