I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
