this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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