Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
