I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
