Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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