dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
