You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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