i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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