I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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