All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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