When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
