I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
