i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
time to smoke my breakfast
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dignity is for republicans.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
