well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
