I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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