just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
