Just cropdusted the office
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
