And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
