Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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