They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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