I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
