the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
