As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
