I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
