I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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