New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
