tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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