i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
