I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
