My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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