The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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