he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
