You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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