Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
