i just sent this text using only my big toe
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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