In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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