I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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