She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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