I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
