I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
