New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Swine flu is the new snow day.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
And then he peed in my hair
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