those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
