Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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