I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
