Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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