I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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