My nipple is on Facebook.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
