Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
